When Christmas Isn’t Very Merry

Are you dreading Christmas?

Are you facing this Christmas in the aftermath of infertility or some kind of loss this year? If so, perhaps you feel like a spectator looking in on everyone else’s joy, unable to muster up any genuine enthusiasm for the season?

Is a part of you dreading all of the seasonal festivities before they have even begun? The run up to Christmas can throw up all kinds of mixed feelings and emotions when you are contending with a broken heart or broken dreams.

It can often act as an unwelcome extra reminder of another year passing by, whilst you’re still left empty handed, or emptied of hope.

For me, this Christmas marks the third consecutive year where we should have been pregnant over Christmas, but aren’t because of miscarriage.

It’s also the third anniversary our first loss which happened over the Christmas period and changed our lives forever. Since then, the festive season has always felt a bit bittersweet to me.

Maybe it isn’t facing your grief and empty arm over Christmas. Maybe its something else that feels lost or broken this year. Perhaps it’s the first Christmas after a relationship breakdown, a divorce, a diagnosis, or since a loved one has passed away. The truth is that life can disappoint us in a million different ways…

Isn’t this the point?

Even if life has dealt you a terrible hand this past year, you don’t need to allow the festive build up to become an extra stress or burden, or to leave you feeling even worse.

I know that it’s meant to be ‘the most wonderful time of the year’ but if you find yourself sick, lonely, in crisis, or grieving then it doesn’t matter how sparkly and shiny your surroundings are, no amount of festive fever covers the pain.

And I think this has to be okay. There has to be space in Christmas for not everything to be okay. In fact, isn’t that the whole point? A baby was sent into the world as it’s saviour, precisely because everything is not okay…

My Five Christmas Survival Tips

So here are 5 tips that I am trying to employ this festive season, and recommend if you are contending with miscarriage or infertility too:

1. Give yourself grace

December can be a busy time of the year, with endless Christmas parties, gatherings and events. But you don’t have to go to everything. It’s okay to sit some things out if you’re not feeling up to it. I’m not advocating hiding away and avoiding everything, but just don’t feel obliged to do it all either. Listen to your heart and consider your capacity. People will be okay if you sometimes choose the path of self-preservation by swerving things. They will understand…  so be kind to yourself!

2. Practice gratitude

This season can easily become so divisive and so polarising; only serving to act as a highlighter of the wide, gaping split between the haves and have nots, the mourning and the rejoicing. But if you find yourself somewhere that you wish you weren’t this year, why not decide to focus on cultivating an attitude of gratitude? I’m not suggesting that you need to feel grateful for your lack or your pain, but simply that it might help to focus on what you do have rather than on what you don’t… so try to practice thankfulness every day for all that is good in your life.

3. Choose generosity

It’s the season of giving, but when you already face a lack in your life it’s so easy to envy or compare your situation to those whose lives look fuller. In reality they may not be of course, so don’t get burdened down with this. It will only steal away more of your joy. Instead, try to focus on giving to others. Find small and large ways to be generous towards others – and not just with gifts, but with your time, your things, and your words. Pray blessings on people too. Because counter-intuitively one of the best ways to fill our hearts back up, is when we choose to live generously in this way.

4. Practice pause

Whatever the reason, if you aren’t fully feeling the season this year, why not just take a moment of pause and be kind to yourself today? Build in some slower moments and some good self-care into the month. Pace yourself and pay extra attention to looking after yourself (and your partner). That could be as simple as making the choice to get plenty of sleep, to have a bath and an early night, to do some yoga, to read a good book, go for a run, or whatever else it is that helps you to unwind and relax.

5. Keep perspective

I know that there’s an awful lot of pressure to make Christmas time feel ‘perfect’ with big gifts, pretty decorations, sparkly lights, and warm fuzzy feelings. But underneath all of that marketing and hype, try to remember that December 25th really is just another day. Try to keep some perspective. Don’t let this season become so reflective, so over-loaded with meaning, or so over-inflated with expectation that it steals away all of your peace.