A Letter To My Son

Dear Ben,

I’m so sorry that we are unable to give you the baby brother or sister that you long for.

I so desperately wanted this for you, and it will always be one of my life’s greatest disappointments that we couldn’t provide it.

It feels so sad that you won’t get to experience the kind of family life that your Dad and I both had when we were growing up; a home bursting full with life, noise, fun, and chaos, and yes, even those constant sibling squabbles.

As your mummy, my heart breaks for you over this a little bit every day. It breaks for every time I have to say no to a play date when you’re feeling lonely, and for every bath-time that you’ve protested because it’s boring splashing about on your own. It breaks for every time that you’ve asked Jesus for a baby in your bedtime prayers, for each time I’ve found you in your bedroom teaching games to your toys, and in so many other little moments too.

You would have been such a good big brother. You are so kind, brave, and full of affection.

I would give anything to be able to rewrite this part of our family’s story, but some things in life are simply not ours to choose.

Still, we tried. Heaven knows, we really tried. You even have three siblings in heaven to prove it. And who knows, but maybe you will get to meet them up there someday instead…

But in the meantime, I simply want you to know that you are seen and not forgotten. You are loved more than you could ever know.

Sometimes I really do wish that we could just build a rocket in the garden and fly up to heaven, where Jesus lives, to buy you a baby brother or sister - just as you suggested to me the other day!

I only so wish it were that simple…

The truth is that I really don’t know why God hasn’t answered your prayers or mine about this, but what I do know is that He loves you even more than I do. So I also have to trust that He will cover every gap in your life that I can’t fill as you grow up, and that nothing about this situation can ever thwart his good plans for your life.

Ben, you truly are our little walking, talking miracle, and we are so blessed to have you in our lives! I realise this now more than I ever have.

I am so very, very proud of who you are becoming, and so very grateful that I get to be your mum.

Love you always,

Mum x