10 Things You Shouldn’t Say To Couples Facing Infertility
10 things NOT to say:
Incredibly, 1 in 8 couples face infertility or secondary infertility (infertility after previously having a child).
But even though it’s pretty common, it can still be hard to know what to say or not say to a friend or family member facing fertility difficulties.
Sometimes people say the wrong things, but often people also just say nothing at all, for fear of saying the wrong thing.
So this National Infertility Awareness Week #NIAW I thought I’d highlight a few of the most common, well-meaning but unhelpful comments, as well as a few of the more helpful forms of support you can offer to communicate your love and support too.
It will happen at the right time…
Whilst a well-meaning sentiment, comments like this can be pretty unhelpful for couples who have been facing infertility for a while. The ‘right time’, certainly as they see it, has probably already been and gone long, long ago. What’s more, just saying this also carries the assumption that they will definitely get pregnant eventually, but for some couples that may actually not be the case.
There’s also a similar, faith-based version of this which goes along the lines of ‘God’s timing is perfect’. This is also unhelpful since it appears to imply that God is the one who is blocking or frustrating their pregnancy plans and causing their pain. This subject could be a whole separate blog post, but needless to say - I think this is untrue, and can become a big stumbling block in someone’s faith.
The bottom line is that couples struggling with infertility really just need your friendship; they need you to listen, empathise, pray, support, and to sit with them in their pain, rather than hollow platitudes or false hope for the future.
2. You just need to relax…
‘Just book an expensive holiday abroad, then you’ll be bound to fall pregnant…’ ‘Stop trying, and then it will happen. You just need to relax a bit…’ Comments like these are such an ‘old wives tale’, but sadly surprisingly common.
But the fact is that infertility isn’t just ‘taking a while to get pregnant’. It is a physical health problem which can be caused by a whole range of different complications, from low sperm count in a male, uterine fibroids and growths, ovulatory dysfunction, poor egg quality, hormonal disorders, polycystic ovary syndrome, pelvic inflamation, or conditions like endometriosis in a female. Often the reasons also remain undiagnosed.
But one thing that does not cause infertility is stress; rather it’s just a side effect. Couples who feel desperate to get pregnant but can’t, aren’t causing their own infertility problems and sabotaging their own future families by feeling anxious. And in what other health challenges would we ever think it acceptable to even suggest this?
3. Oh, I know how you feel. It took us a while to get pregnant too.
Unless you really have been through an infertility battle yourself - which means actively trying to conceive for a year or more - and then going onto fertility treatment - then no, you probably don’t know how they feel. Trying to get pregnant for ‘a few months’ and feeling frustrated that it didn’t happen quicker isn’t the same thing at all.
So don’t draw that kind of comparison, even if you’re trying to be reassuring and encourage them that it will all be okay in the end. For starters, you don’t know for sure that this is true! Instead, just try to be a friend that really listens and empathises with what they are going through right now.
4. Think of all the extra money/sleep/time you can enjoy!
I know this is usually meant as a joke, but can I give some friendly, honest advice? This is NEVER, ever a good thing to say! And even if a person is smiling on the outside, they won’t be on the inside. Extra money, sleep, time, or freedom is absolutely NO substitute for being unable to have a family…
Comments like this just comes across as flippant, insensitive, and appear to completely minimise their pain. Couples facing infertility are trapped in an endless monthly cycle of hoping and waiting and disappointment - and that’s not a laughing matter at all, so don’t try to turn it into one.
5. You can always try IVF…
These days IVF is often seen as an easy ‘cure-all’ for all things infertility related, but the truth is that it’s not. Firstly, there’s nothing easy about going through IVF. It’s usually very a expensive, very invasive, and very stressful process to go through for a couple, and there are never any guarantees of success either - especially for older couples.
As well as not being something to take on lightly, it’s also worth remembering that there are also lots of infertility conditions that IVF simply can’t address or cure, such as recurrent miscarriage which I have suffered from, and the growing health risks that come with advancing maternal age.
6. Maybe you’re just not meant to have (more) kids.
I literally don’t know why anyone would say this to another person, but sadly it happens all the time. Maybe the intention is to try and help rationalise a difficult situation, or encourage someone to move on emotionally from their lack or loss, but it’s especially hard to hear from people who are already parents themselves!
From a faith point of view, comments like this can also imply that it’s not God’s plan for them, and personally I don’t buy this view as a biblical one at all. Why would God give a couple the desire for a family, only to hold it back from them?
The truth is that God is all about family, and infertility is not a part of God’s perfect plan for anyone’s life - it is a devastating after-effect of the fall. I’m not saying that God can’t therefore redeem the situation; the Bible teaches that what the enemy meant for harm in our lives, God can turn around for good. But that doesn’t mean that everything that happens was ‘meant to be’ and we should be cautious in ever assuming that we know what is.
7. Why don’t you just adopt?
I can’t count the number of times I’ve had this said to me, even quite early on in our fertility struggles. I know that the intention is to help, and that adoption seems like a good alternative to help someone reach their ultimate goal of starting (or completing) a family, but it generally isn’t advisable to start bringing it up until they do.
Adoption may be an option for couples facing infertility to consider at some stage, but it can be really annoying when it gets thrown at you as a solution whilst you’re still undergoing fertility tests and treatments - mainly because it’s difficult to explore both options simultaneously (adoption agencies won’t let you).
It’s also frustrating when people talk about adoption as if it’s a ‘like for like’. Can’t have children of your own? Just adopt one… no big deal! But the truth is that amazing as adoption is, it certainly isn’t a quick or easy process. It comes with lots more challenges that a couple needs to weigh up together first.
Adoption may not be a viable alternative for everyone who battles infertility, and even where it is, often couples will need some time to just heal from their disappointment and grief over infertility, before moving onto exploring other ways to grow their family.
8. Enjoy the peace whilst you still have it!
If you’re a parent, it can be really easy to get into joking and complaining about how hard and tiring parenting can be. As a parent, I understand that small children can be a LOT, and I know that being a parent probably isn’t as perfect as the picture they are painting in their heads, but please don’t ever think it’s okay to complain about this in front of someone who is dealing with infertility! It sounds so ungrateful.
You have absolutely no idea how desperately they long to be kept awake at night by a screaming baby, or to be able to split up some sibling squabbles like you… and how much they have to be willing to put themselves through to even get a shot at it!
9. Are you sure you are doing it right?!
Not funny. At all. Ever. So please… just don’t say it!! Firstly, its incredibly patronising. Most couples facing infertility have learned more about the human reproductive system and all of the factors that can affect a positive pregnancy outcome, than any fertile couple will ever know! Secondly, it sounds a bit like shaming or blaming them, just because getting pregnant has always come more easily to you.
But thirdly and finally, have you ever considered that by the time someone is undergoing fertility tests and treatments, literally everything about their sex life and reproductive organs are being routinely checked and reviewed by doctors? There is probably very little, if any, privacy or joy left in their sex life at all… so don’t make it worse by heaping on poor taste jokes!
10. Maybe you just need to lay down that dream
Do you know what? You could well be right. They may be hanging onto the tiniest flicker of hope, when the odds are all stacked up against them. They may be hoping in vain, and the writing may be on the wall.
But is it really the right time to tell them, and is it really your place to tell them at all? If this really is the case, at some point they will get to that realisation for themselves, but unless and until they do, don’t try to rush them along their journey faster than they want to travel.
Infertility is a LOT to process emotionally, without the added pressure of outside opinions and judgements.
5 things you should say & do
I know that’s a lot of things that you shouldn’t say or do. But there are plenty of positive ways to show and communicate your support too. Here’s a few ideas!
1. Listen & empathise
Instead of trying to fix everything, try to just listen, empathise, and be willing to sit with that person/couple in their pain. Infertility is complex and they don’t expect or want you to have all the answers. But personally, I am a big believer that the most important part of friendship is simply being there when someone needs you - especially when that comes to your proximity to someone’s pain. It communicates that you care.
2. Don’t offer your opinion or advice - unless specifically asked
When it comes to offering your opinions or advice, it’s generally wiser to say as little as possible - unless you are specifically asked for it. This is where we often tend to come unstuck with shallow platitudes and generalisations!
3. Try signposting to support
If you haven’t been through infertility first hand, it’s generally helpful to signpost a couple to someone else who has, or at least a helpful book, podcast or online support group or community. Or better still, buy one for them as a gift!
For a list of my own recommendations for useful resources, you can click here.
4. Pray behind the scenes
If you’re from a faith background, another helpful form of support that you can offer is telling someone that you will pray for them - and then commit to actually doing it regularly and faithfully behind the scenes. Some of the biggest blessings to us in this season were older couples who committed to pray for us daily during this season - what a gift!
5. Use compassionate phrases
Finally, if they do want to talk with you about it, here are a few phrases that might be useful to keep in mind:
I’m so sorry that you are going through this.
I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you both.
I know that I can’t fix this for you, but I am always here to listen if you want to talk about it.
I am also here if you just want to hang out and not talk about it too.
Let me know if there’s anything I can do to support you practically.
I will be praying for you to find God’s strength/peace/direction in this.