On seeking to (re)connect
Are you feeling disconnected?
Everywhere I go lately, I keep hearing the same thing over and over…
People are feeling lonely and longing for deeper, more meaningful relationships, but finding it hard to (re)connect in their friendship groups and communities.
And it’s hardly surprising, is it? After all, we’re still only just re-emerging (we hope!) from a global pandemic that has cut across almost every social dynamic in our lives over the past two years - including the way we work or do business, the way we learn, socialise, exercise, worship, or play.
At the same time, I think it would be unfair to blame our sense of displacement and disconnection on the pandemic entirely.
According to a recent NPR survey (2020), 3 in 5 of Americans claim to feel lonely. And a similar Ipsos Mori survey taken back in 2018 reported that almost 50% of Brits said they regularly felt lonely or alone - even before the pandemic.
So perhaps it’s more accurate to say that a global pandemic has simply sped up some cultural shifts that we were already moving towards, with things like mobile phones, technology, social media, and endless entertainment streaming straight into our homes?
Either way, one thing is for sure: We’re the most technologically connected society that’s ever existed, but also one of the most relationally disconnected.
Have we settled for the illusion of connectedness over genuine community?
Entertainment over engagement with others?
Breadth of reach over depth of intimacy?
And just being known about over really being known?
I ask these questions not as some kind of guilt trip, but because it’s important to understand the reasons why so many of us now feel this gaping sense of disconnection, loneliness, and need for community that we do…
I don’t pretend to have all the answers around this, but if like me, this is something that you have felt and struggled with too, I’ve written this blog to explore these issue further and to explore some simple ideas about what we can do.
We’re navigating 4 big changes
Although I don’t believe that the pandemic is the true source of all of our relational problems, I do believe it has compounded many of them recently. And as much as I hate the over-use of this term, the world definitely looks different than it did two years ago so we really are all having to learn to navigate ‘a new normal’ in how we build (or rebuild) relationships, social groups, and communities that were previously put on hold.
For some of us, these changes have been quite subtle and all that is required of us is a relatively small pivot. But for many others, huge parts of our lives have been turned upside down and changed irreversibly, and we are having to rebuild our lives from a sort of personal ‘ground zero’ up,
Does that sound too dramatic? Maybe… But many of these changes have become far further-reaching and long-term than we ever imagined two years ago, when we all thought we’d just be working from home for a few short weeks!
Below I have briefly outlined the four main changes I see taking place around me, which I think each have big ramifications for our social lives and relationships.
The world of work has changed
For many of us, our world of work has now changed irreversibly. What began as a temporary shift to a home office during a pandemic, has stretched into almost 2 years of remote working. So much so, that many organisations and businesses have decided to downsize their corporate space, or even to do away with their office premises entirely.
In fact, personally speaking for both me and my husband, this has been true. My previous offices covered two floors of a building, including permanent desks for each of my team. But this has since been reduced to just one, and rearranged into a smaller, pre-bookable hot-desking situation for use only 'if we need to’ come in.
Likewise, my husband runs his own business which was co-located in an office with a major client. That office has now been closed down permanently, and so after almost two years of home working alone, he decided to pay for access to a collaborative work space which he shares with some other creatives and small businesses as part of the Baltic Creative, a city centre business incubator. (If you’re interested, you can read more about it here).
It’s a picture that’s being repeated in so many different workplaces, and although there are some definite wins to all this (reduced company overheads, less commuting, greater employee flexibility), the clear downside is the loss of most of the relational aspects to work (face-to-face meetings, corridor conversations, lunch meetings and after work drinks).
2. Socialising has morphed
Although socialising is (mostly!) permitted again, it still doesn’t seem to be happening with quite the same frequency or ease that it used to pre-pandemic.
For many people, getting a group of friends together now often feels like a colossal effort in organisation. Have we become more lazy, more self-reliant, or are we just out of the habit and experiencing a lower capacity? Perhaps it’s really a mix of all three? I don’t know…
All I really know for sure is this: We’ve spent almost two years learning how to avoid one another, to keep our distance, and to see others as a threat to our heath and the health of those we love.
And I’m not saying that this was wrong; I work in healthcare and I fully understand all of the reasons why this was necessary for a time. But the problem is the subconscious, psychological affect that has had on us over time, and the narratives we now believe about our need for wider community as a result.
In short, we have figured out how to survive alone - or at least more independently - confined to just our own small, nuclear family units. And if we can live in our own little bubble for weeks or months on end, then why do we need to re-engage at all?
As a result, many of us are discovering that much of our in-person social interaction feels a bit less needed and/or less natural than they ever did before.
3. Community participation has altered
For many of us, some of the communities that we previously invested our time or relied on have also morphed, moved online or just broken down altogether.
You can see this in lots of different areas - whether that’s the way that many people now access (or don’t access) churches, exercise classes, training courses, book clubs, interest groups, and so much more...
Of course, some of these changes were already in process prior to the pandemic. I have relied almost wholly on online yoga courses ever since I first became a mum, and I was also part of Hope*Writers which provides online training & resources & networking for writers long before the pandemic too.
But many other aspects of local community have been accelerated greatly by the pandemic too. I mean, why bother with the hassle and expense of getting a babysitter for a church meeting? Or braving the cold winter weather to get to a sports club or gym class? Or wasting time driving across town to get to a book club, if you can just take part from the comfort of your front room?
Likewise, most recent reports I’ve seen suggest that church attendance is down between 22-30% since the pandemic - because why be there physically to engage with that community, if you can just have a lie in and playback the content later from home?
(Incidentally, I think a large part of the answer to this question depends on what you actually believe a community like church is for. Does it purely exist for you to consume (and at a time and in a way that suits you), or is it also about how you serve others, and what you can bring or give?
So whilst some of this shift might make pragmatic sense - it’s often cheaper, faster, easier, and even more environmental to choose remote access - I can’t help wondering about what we’re losing too in terms of human interaction, engagement with others who are different to us, and whether it’s worth the cost.
4. Friendships have shifted
Perhaps unsurprisingly considering all of this, many people’s immediate friendship circles and social networks have also changed or broken down over the past two years as well.
Just a few examples from my own life are that a few close friends have moved away from the city we live in, our church small group dissolved, and a number of other social groups which grew up around our previous life stage (babies and pre-schoolers) also no longer fit.
Alongside this, some new friendship networks that could have flourished in normal times have also failed to do so, for reasons that are mostly beyond our control.
Personally, I’ve noticed this most within the ‘school mums’ circle. Because my little boy Ben started his school life less than six months before the pandemic first hit - there’s really not been much chance for getting to know any parents of kids in his class. And even now, when school is ‘back to normal’ parental ‘drop off’ and ‘pick up’ slots continue to be staggered so we still never really get chance to meet or chat with other parents (or even teachers!) on the school gates.
have we hit an emotional wall?
In summary, it’s probably no wonder that some of us have been left feeling a bit adrift relationally in this present season. We’ve been living through a period of huge social, technological and cultural shift.
In fact, social scientists now agree that the overall rate of technological progress is actually doubling every ten years. In other words, we won’t just experience a hundred years of technological progress during the 21st century. It will be more like twenty thousand!
The speed and scale of this kind of continual change that is happening all around is truly exhausting. AND we’ve also just had a global pandemic thrown in too! Is it any wonder that some of us feel mentally drained and emotionally exhausted?
And is it any wonder that rather that invest any of our dwindling levels of remaining energy into building relationships with other (equally complicated, broken & imperfect!) people, some of us would sometimes rather just stay at home and watch streamed TV?
I’m not saying this happens all time - but it happens, right? I know, because I have felt it too…
we are built for community
Of course, personality can a big factor in all of this too.
Whilst extroverts are energised by being around people, introverts re-energise alone - so it’s the extroverts of the world like me, who might well be feeling this loss of community most.
But equally, I also worry about those who don’t feel that they need other people around them anymore, and have perhaps found a bit too much permission to opt out from community and withdraw from friendships over this last season.
After all, just because something feels easier in the immediate moment, doesn’t always mean its good for us in the long-term…
The truth is that all of us are made for community. We are relational beings, created in the image of a relational God. (a triune God, three in one). As Genesis 1:26 tells us “Then God said (presumably to himself!), “Let us make mankind in OUR image”. And likewise, in Genesis 2:18, right after creating the very first human, God said that it was “not good” for them to be alone.
The word ‘alone’ can be best interpreted as meaning ‘separated from’ or ‘without others’ - and it strikes me how often this can be our normal state of being nowadays. Even as I write this blog, it is the end of a day which I have spent working entirely alone in my house. This way of being, God says, is not good for us when it’s day after day after day…
But as much as you can be physically separated from others whilst you’re on Zoom calls in your home office all day, it strikes me that you can also be emotionally separated from others when you’re sitting side by side with them as well.
The fact is that building relationships, investing in community, and choosing ‘togetherness’ with others requires more than just showing up; it requires showing up with your whole heart, which I know is far more costly. But there’s also a huge pay off too.
Good friendships and have good for your health and wellbeing in so many ways. In fact, having a close circle of friends can decrease your risk of numerous physical health problems like diabetes, heart attack, and stroke. A 2010 review into social relationships and mortality (Holt-Lunstad) even concluded that people with strong relationships have half the risk of premature death from all common causes.
And in addition to the physical health benefits, investing in deep and meaningful relationships can also benefit you in each of the following ways:
Friends can help you celebrate good times and provide support during bad times
Friends prevent isolation and loneliness
Friends can increase your sense of personal belonging and purpose
Friends can boost your happiness and sense of contentment
Friends can reduce your stress levels
Friends can improve your self-confidence and self-worth
Friends can help motivate you towards success
So in conclusion, I am fully convinced that choosing to prioritise people and emotionally invest in connecting with those around us is almost always a good idea.*
And even when it feels hard or like a bit too much effort, don’t the potential benefits make it worth at least a try?
Reaching out to others in small, simple ways can enlarge both their world and ours.
(*Although there are some exceptions to this, such as when a specific relationship with someone is physically or emotionally abusive, or causing us damage or trauma in some way).
8 simple ideas for building connection & community
1. Take a risk - reach out for a coffee or initiate a play date with someone new.
Trying to initiate a friendship with someone new can always feel a bit risky. What if they say no - will it feel like a personal rejection? Or what if you do meet, but it’s awkward and weird? These are all rational worries, but the truth is that most of us are like the rest of us - and most of us generally appreciate an invite because it makes us feel included and seen. So don’t put it off - knock on a neighbours door, or reach out to that mum at school with a text…
2. Start a book club (even if you don't like reading)
Seriously! Book clubs have been some of my favourite groups that I have ever been a part of, and I am not just saying this because I am a writer and I like reading books. A book club offers a shared focal point for regular meets up, plus talking points that keep conversations flowing easily - even when half the room doesn’t know each other well (or hasn’t actually read the book!
3. Begin serving somewhere
This could be almost anywhere in your church or local community. You could join a soup kitchen for the homeless, volunteer at a community food bank, or become a helper at a local mums and toddlers group.
Serving others in any sphere is a great way to meet new people and build community - and it’s really a win-win situation too, as you will also help to meet someone else’s needs in the process, as well as your own need for connection and friendship.
4. Gather & celebrate for no particular reason or occasion
Good conversation with good friends and good food is always a good idea. So why wait until there’s a birthday or special occasion on the calendar as reason to gather? Those dates are all good and well, but they don’t come around nearly often enough - so why not try practising celebration on a regular Tuesday evening as well?
And if finances are a bit stretched, then it doesn’t even need to involve eating out either. Why not start a food club and take turns of cooking at home, or agree to make a course each instead?
5. Seek out a small group in your church, neighbourhood or work place
Whether it’s a bible study, a knitting group, a netball team or something else entirely - joining groups around a shared interest is often a great way to meet new people as there’s a ready-made, instant common ground.
And if there isn’t one already happening in your neighbourhood, work place or church - why not start one from scratch, and see who wants to join you? I bet there’s others around you that feel the same need for connection and would happily join.
6. Host a games & take away evening in your home
I love the idea of hospitality, but I often put it off with lots of excuses that begin with an ‘if’, ‘but’ or ‘when’. But I’m not a very good cook. If only my home was bigger. Perhaps when my child is a bit older and a little less wild…
But the truth is that people won’t remember what food you served them, how neat your home was, or how well behaved your child - they’ll simply remember how welcome you made them feel. So open up your home and open up your heart!
And if like me, you really don’t really like cooking for large groups or simply don’t have the time, then here’s an idea: Invite people over for takeaway & games! Seriously, we do this all the time! It really doesn’t have to be fancy, it just needs to be fun!
7. Take up a new hobby or sport
What’s that hobby you’ve thought about pursuing for years, but never had the guts to try? Or that sport you used to love playing, which has fallen by the wayside since you had kids? I find there’s always plenty of reasons not to take something up - no money, no time, no babysitter.
But if ever you were considering enrolling in a class or joining a sports team, then maybe now is the perfect time. At very least, you might learn a new skill or discover something you love. And at best, you might also meet some really cool people to do it with who grow into friends.
8. Reconnect with some faraway friends
If it’s been hard to stay connected to people in our own towns or cities these past couple of years, then it’s been even harder to keep in touch with far off friends - like university friends, or old flat mates, those friends who used to be your closest ‘go to’ people, but then life circumstances meant they moved away.
I know these friendships require more planning and effort to maintain, but arguably the pay off is greater too because of all the shared history you already have. And besides, some friendships are simply too important to just relegate to an annual Christmas card list!
So determine to make the time - schedule that call, ping that email, and make some plans for that long overdue weekend visit to reconnect.
This list is far from exhaustive, and I can’t guarantee that it will work perfectly every time.
Making new friends and building community can be a bit like dating - it can involve some trial and error.
But persevere until you find your people. (And maybe even persevere with some people who aren’t your natural ‘fit’ but might grow on you in time).
And once you have them, love them hard, and don’t easily let them go. Be kind, generous, and always in their corner; be the kind of person that you would want to have as a friend!