About Mother’s Day
About Mother’s Day
I know that Mother’s Day can be a wonderful celebration for all those hard working mums out there, but it can also be a really hard day for many people too.
For those who have lost their mothers…
For those who have absent or broken relationships with their mothers..
For those who have lost babies or children…
For those facing infertility or childlessness or singleness too.
So let me start this blog by saying that I hope that you know how loved and valued you are by others around you, regardless of your current relationship or motherhood status.
A both/and scenario
Since recurrent miscarriage became a part of my story a few years ago, I too have a very mixed relationship with this annual celebration of all things motherhood related.
Being a mother to my little boy Ben is one of my life’s greatest blessing, but losing four further babies since having him has also been one of my life’s deepest sources of pain too.
So nowadays, I’m left wondering - how do I handle the ‘both/and’ nature of this calendar event that exists for me (and so many other women like me too)?
On the one hand, it feels good and right to celebrate my motherhood with my own birth son, especially after having had such a hard journey into it. It’s kind of a miracle that he’s here’s and that I’m a mum at all, and if that’s not worth celebrating wholeheartedly, then I really don’t know what is…
But on the other hand, it also feels right to create time some time and space to remember each of those other much longed-for children that I got to carry for just short time, but never got to hold here on earth. They made me a mother, and have shaped my life in deep ways too.
And as I reflect on my own miscarriage and infertility experiences over these past years, I can’t help but find myself thinking about the many other women who might feel overlooked, unseen, or left behind by this arbitrary calendar date.
That’s why this year I am considering how can we reframe Mother’s Day a little bit…
Reframing Mothers Day
Is it possible to have a day where we celebrate the mothers in our lives, while also remembering to hold space for those who find this day hard for various reasons as well?
And is there a way to widen our definition of a ‘mother’ to make this day more expansive and inclusive too?
I’ve been personally blessed to have had a great birth mother and to be part of a whole family full of strong women, but I’ve also been equally blessed by so many other women in my life who I am not directly related to.
Grandmothers, a mother in law, aunties, my mother’s friends, my friend’s mothers, youth leaders and teachers, mentors in the work place, spiritual leaders, friends - to name just a few.
Some of them have been mothers themselves, and some of them were single women and women who are yet to become mothers.
And I am truly grateful for them all.
So on Mothering Sunday, could we remember that there is more than one way to be a mother to someone in this world?
5 ideas for Mother’s Day
So although this list is far from exhaustive, here’s a few simple ideas for how we can all help to create a more kind, sensitive, and inclusive Mother’s Day experience for every woman and family.
1. Extend grace
Firstly, I want to say that if you are personally struggling with Mother’s Day for any reason this year, whether that’s because of infertility or loss or something else, please make sure you give yourself plenty of grace. Know that it’s okay not to be okay; to mark or not mark the occasion; and to lean into or to avoid certain celebration with family and friends.
Wherever you’re up to this year, I’d urge you to be really honest with those around you about how you are feeling over this impending date. If you are at all anxious or worried about how well you will cope, share that information with those you trust around you. Let your loved ones know what you need from them. You are not being difficult or dramatic - this really can be a hard day!
An extra note to supporters:
If you are aware that someone in your family or social circle might find this day hard for any reason, whether that’s due to infertility, bereavement, singleness, widowing, or a divorce or relationship breakdown, then try do everything you can to show them love and extend extra grace.
It might help to proactively ask them how they’re feeling, and if you can help in any way such as including them in your plans or giving them space. And regardless of the answer, give them permission to be exactly where they are. Let them opt in or out as they feel able, without any pressure or judgement.
2. Leave space for grief
It’s so easy to feel the pressure to be ‘over’ your grief after a certain amount of time has passed following a loss of a pregnancy or loved one, but the truth is that grief is not a linear process and healing is much more gradual and unpredictable than we often give it credit for. So try to be mindful that days like this can sometimes heighten our sense of loss or anger or disappointment, sometimes even months or years after ‘the event’.
If you’re grieving in any way, please know that it’s okay take time out to cry, to journal, to be alone with your thoughts, or to talk about your loss with others. Whatever you need, make space for your grief around Mother’s Day. Don’t be tempted to bottle it all up, or just put on a lots of make up and a brave face.
And definitely try not to put yourself in positions which are too emotionally difficult to handle, such as the year I went out for a mother’s day family lunch just weeks after a miscarriage, telling myself I would be absolutely fine, but only to end up sobbing in the restaurant toilets when my period began. Be realistic about what you can handle.
An extra note to supporters:
Don’t ever assume that someone who has experienced miscarriage, or any other form of infertility or loss is ‘over it’, even if you think a reasonable amount of time has passed by, or they seem like they’re fine most of the time. Instead, try to be sensitive to the fact that dates like this can still be incredibly triggering - even years on.
Of course, the sharp sting of pain will certainly lessen with time, but these are experiences with consequences that can remain for a whole lifetime so it never fully ‘goes away’.
3. Think wider about who to include
Try to consider any family members or friends who might find Mother’s Day difficult because of childlessness, infertility, loss of a parent/partner, miscarriage, singleness, a recent divorce or relationship break up, or something else - and then think about how you can you bless them on this difficult date.
Is there any way you could include them in your own Mother’s Day celebration in some way too? For example, could you invite them into your own family meal or gathering?
Or if you have any children yourself, could you perhaps get them to send them a card or gift, recognising that they have also helped to mother and input into your kids in some way?
If you know a couple who are currently going through loss or infertility, why not gift them with flowers, a care bundle, or an undated restaurant voucher to remind them that you haven’t forgotten them & are standing with them in their struggles?
I bet everyone has someone in their life who is facing at least one of these things - so this really is something that everyone can do - even if Mother’s Day is difficult for you too.
Let’s start a kindness revolution!
4. Be mindful & inclusive on social media
Another way that we can all help to make Mother’s Day less difficult for those who are struggling is simply by being more mindful of this in our conversations, our comments, and our social media posts around this date.
For example, instead of just posting pictures of your children on social media with a cute caption declaring to the world how wonderful it is being their mum #Blessed, why not try a more inclusive alternative instead?
How about posting a message honouring all the women who have helped ‘mother’ your kids from grandparents, to babysitters, to sisters/aunties and close friends?
Or if you are involved in a local church community, why not ask for the Mother’s Day service to honour all women in the church rather than just those who are mothers, recognising that every woman in the congregation will be a spiritual mother to others in some way?
5. Recognise all the ‘mothers’ in your life
Finally, why not plan to intentionally honour all of the women who have played an important mothering role in your life this Mother’s Day?
This could include a biological mother, a mother-in-law, a step-mother, adoptive mother, or foster parent, but it could include some less obvious options, such as older friends, teachers, mentors, coaches, and spiritual leaders too.
Whoever it might be that has invested into you or loved you well, why not take the opportunity to send them each a gift card or thank you note honouring them for their input in your life over the years, and reminding them of how much you value them?
Lets each look for every opportunity to celebrate and lift up other women in every walk of life.
Join the conversation…
Those just a few pointers and ideas from me to help get you started in thinking more widely about how we choose to honour all of the important women in our lives on this day - both those who find Mother’s Day difficult, and those who find it a joy.
So, will you join me?
And do you have any other ideas too?
Together, I believe we can really begin to move the needle for women who might be left feeling a bit marginalised, misunderstood, forgotten, or left behind on this ‘both/and’ calendar date…
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