On Turning 40
I’m turning 40 next week
It seems almost surreal to say that out loud! Because firstly, how can I be 40?! My 30th still feels like it was just yesterday...
But also, even though 40 has been looming overhead for some time now, (ever since I turned 39 to be honest!) the final run up to the big day has been so overshadowed by the current coronavirus pandemic, that it hardly feels like it’s happening at all...
Living in denial
Honestly, if you’d asked me a few months ago, an understated 40th might have been the exact kind of birthday I would have chosen. I wanted it to slide past quietly, and without any fuss...
I just didn’t want to acknowledge that it was really happening to me at all.
And it wasn’t so much the number itself that I was bothered by, or even the idea of getting older. I have always been fairly comfortable in my own skin. And 40 really isn’t that old…
No, my main issue with turning 40 was what it represents for most women; and that is a closing window of fertility for most women.
Fertility at 40
You see, when I first got pregnant with our first son at 34, I always thought my trying to conceive and child bearing years would be well behind me by the end of my 30s…
I never even imagined that we would find ourselves where we are now.
I didn’t expect that recurrent miscarriage would become a part of my story, especially after my first pregnancy seemed to progress so easily.
And I definitely didn’t expect to be facing my fourtieth year still trying to conceive a child. I never expected (or wanted) to be an older mum…
But alas, a miscarriage at 37, 38 and 39 means that here I am, still hoping for another child, but facing ever decreasing odds with the advent of a new decade…
This is why I feel uncomfortable with turning 40. Life simply has not taken me where I’d hoped to be right now.
Making peace with 40
But nonetheless, I gradually came around to the fact that really my 40th birthday is just another day. My fertility isn’t just going to fall off a cliff edge in an instant; it’s a much more nuanced and gradual thing.
Our situation is what it is right now. And when it comes to our family planning, I just have to trust that what will be, will be. No amount of worrying about my age will change anything at all…
But perhaps what’s most annoying of all about this current situation, is that I had really made peace with turning 40 in these last months. I had decided that in spite of the disappointments and setbacks, I would embrace this landmark birthday in spite of it all.
“We may not have our much hoped for rainbow child, but our lives are still full in so many other ways.”
We may not have our much hoped for rainbow child, but our lives are still full in so many other ways. And the life we have been given is really worth being thankful for.
Eventually my husband, who is also 40 just six days after me (I will never hear the end of it in that week!) persuaded me around to the fact that this was a great excuse to throw a joint birthday bash and get all our friends and family together for a party.
So we began to make plans to put the fun into turning 40; a week off with extended family over Easter, followed by hiring out a local bar to have a big party, ordering decorations and inviting friends to DJ (because what is a party unless there is dancing?!), and also planning a childfree weekend getaway for just the two of us too…
And yet, obviously with the events of recent weeks, all of those plans have been put on hold. So now, as it turns out, 40 is just another day after all… we will probably celebrate by ordering takeaway, opening a bottle of fizz, and stay in!
Letting go of control
Life is funny like that sometimes, isn’t it? Whether its about fertility and family planning, cancelled plans due to COVID19, or something else, life often requires a large degree of flexibility from us.
There’s this proverb which I love that so eloquently puts it like this: “We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps.” (Proverbs 16:9)
And right now, I am struck by just how true this is.
“Turning 40 is just another lesson in letting go of what I can’t control and learning to pivot and to make the best of what is.”
It’s absolutely fine to make plans for the future and to build our ideal timeline around them too, just so long as we hold those plans lightly, write them in pencil, prepare to pivot if we need to, and remain open to the possibility of change.
So the questions that I am asking myself right now, as I look towards my 40th year are these:
Will I trust God, the author of my life, to write the very best story with my life?
Will I trust Him with those unexpected changes and edits?
And will I continue to believe that His version of my story will be the very best one, much better than any version I could try to ghost write for myself?