On Grieving After Miscarriage
Miscarriage is a big deal
I think it can be pretty easy for people who haven’t experienced any sort of baby loss, to think that miscarriage – especially early miscarriage – isn’t that big of a deal; that it’s really just the body’s natural way of dealing with a pregnancy that isn’t healthy or viable.
I also know how strong the temptation can be for us as women to rationalise, minimise, to shrink down, and to explain away our pain too.
But the truth is that as soon as you see those two pink lines appear on a pregnancy test, your world is already instantly changed.
So regardless of how short a time you’ve actually known that you’re pregnant for, there’s still a very real sense of sadness and disappointment in loss, and you will absolutely need to give yourself some time to process it
How can you ‘grieve well’?
Here is a short list of some of the things I learned about how to grieve well in the weeks and months that followed after my miscarriages.
1 Give yourself some time
Be prepared to slow the pace of life down a bit, give yourself permission to free up your calendar a little and to cancel unnecessary commitments. Take some time off work or out your regular routine, and allow yourself some time and space to begin to physically and emotionally heal.
2. You will want to cry a lot – and you should
I cried so much over those early days after my first miscarriage, that I wondered if I would ever feel happy or be able to function properly again… And the truth is that it will feel probably like this for a while . But I promise that it will ease and get easier in time. In the meantime, my advice is don’t resist it, or bottle it up, or try to appear stronger than you are. Its okay not to be okay.
3. Be prepared for grief to happen in phases
Like any form of grief, processing miscarriage can happen in phases; shock, numbness, disbelief, anger, disappointment, sadness… and just bucket loads of tears. And I know that lots of clever experts have written all kinds of things about the grieving process, but the truth is that it’s not a clear or linear process, and there’s no one ‘right way’ to process your feelings
4. Practice extra self-care
You will need to be extra kind with yourself for a while and practice lots of good self-care. Make sure you eat well, exercise, sleep enough, get plenty of fresh air, treat yourself, listen to what your body and emotions are trying to tell you, and spend plenty of time with the people you really love.
5. Give yourself time before you try again
I know, I know … after both of my miscarriages, this was the last thing I wanted to hear. What I wanted was to get pregnant again as fast as humanly possible, and to replace what had been lost, so that we could just draw a line and move on from this awful ordeal.
But honestly, I really wasn’t ready right away, either emotionally or physically. I needed to give my heart and my body some time and space to heal. And what’s more, not recognising this fact, just ended up putting another layer of stress onto us in an already difficult season.
6. Talk to others who have been there
I’d really recommend that you specifically seek out other women you might know who have had similar experiences in the past to talk with. They might be able to offer some practical advice and lend you some fresh perspective that you really need to hear.
And if you don’t have a good support network around you like this, then why not seek it out by joining an online or offline support group instead, or even consider talking to a counsellor or therapist?
7. Look after your partner too
Often in the aftermath of miscarriage, all of the focus and phone calls and flowers and support can tend to be just aimed at the woman, but it’s important to remember that your partner has experienced a loss too, even it’s not been with the same physicality, and they are hurting too.
So look after each other, keep talking about you both feel, and don’t allow your pain to cause you to withdraw or to isolate you from the other. You will need each other right now, more than ever.
8. Watch out for the curve balls
Even when you think that you are over your loss, be prepared for the fact that sometimes small, unexpected moments can send you reeling again. Things like an unintended comment from a colleague about when you are having another child, or a friend’s unexpected 12 week baby announcement on facebook, or certain missed pregnancy milestones or anniversaries.
The truth is that all kinds of things can come up from out of nowhere, which press on your point of pain again and leave you in floods of tears – even months and months after the event. Be prepared that it will be like this for a while, but trust me, the sting will lessen over time…
9. Find some processing tools
This is really important advice that other wise people gave to me. Don’t bottle up your feelings or just let them swallow you up whole, learn how to recognise them and work through them instead.
For me, that mostly looked like writing and talking things through with friends, but for ‘giving voice’ to how you are feelings might look slightly different. So read, journal, blog, paint, write songs, talk to a counsellor, a friend … or whatever you need to do to help you work your way through the sea of emotions.
10. Get honest before God
If you’re a christian (or maybe even if not) you’ll need to get real and have it out about what is happening with God and with others. Because in the face of pain, all of our unvoiced questions about ourselves, about God, and the universe can no longer just be swept under the proverbial carpet. Suddenly they demand to be listen to and answered; and not just with vague cliches ‘Like everything happens for a reason’ or ‘It’s all a part of God’s plan’ either.
So the very best recommendation that I can give is creating some intentional space and time to honestly express your raw feelings before God. Don’t rush into this, wait until you really feel able and ready…
But when you do, take all of your rawness and pain and anger and questions and fears right into His presence. He won’t be shocked or surprised or offended by this. After all, as Psalm 139 says, He already knows all of your thoughts from afar.
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