Dealing with loss at Christmas
Loss at Christmas-time
It was six years ago when I suffered my first miscarriage, and it all slowly unfolded over the Christmas period.
The timing made what was already a difficult experience, feel extra hard. I guess there’s just something very jarring about losing a baby, when it’s juxtaposed against a Christmas story that brims over with the hope of miracle pregnancies and virgin births.
But because of this experience, I always feel very mindful of how difficult the festive season can be for anyone who is dealing with any kind of pregnancy loss, infertility or grief - and that’s why I have written this blog.
My story
It was the first day of December 2017 when I first discovered some early bleeding that indicated that I might be miscarrying our second child (my first was the only pregnancy I have ever carried to term).
I was quickly called into our local hospital for a ‘reassurance’ scan, but the results were inconclusive and medical staff were left unsure of whether our baby was developing okay or not. They could see a pregnancy, but it appeared much smaller than the 8 weeks I should have been by then…
We were told we would have to wait a week and then get checked again to determine if there was any growth. And so I spent most of the run up to that Christmas in a fog of worry, just kind of going through the festive motions.
Throughout that time, I remember attending numerous parties and meals with friends and colleagues which I was already committed to attending, trying to swerve alcohol without everyone noticing or asking me difficult questions, that I really wasn’t ready to answer…
Finally, our second hospital scan appointment arrived and I felt relieved that we would finally get some answers. I had continued to ‘slow’ bleed daily since our first scan, so I really wasn’t holding much hope… but a small part of us was still clinging onto the idea of a Christmas miracle.
Yet instead of clarity and closure, what emerged at that second scan was only more uncertainty. There had been some foetal growth since my last visit, but perhaps not as much as they would expect, which meant we now had yet another anxious wait on our hands - with Christmas week running right through the middle, since the clinic which would scan us was closed until new year.
I can’t fully describe how it feels to wait for almost a full month to have a miscarriage confirmed. That’s tough at any time of the year, let alone over Christmas. It’s like living in permanent limbo, still having to act like you’re pregnant, but feeling more and more certain as the days drag by that you are probably not. While everyone else around you is feeling merry and bright, you just can’t quite summon up that sort of joy.
At points, I honestly just wanted to curl up and stay in bed. But it was Christmas, and we had presents to wrap, family to visit, and a little boy approaching the first Christmas that he was really old enough to remember… so there was no real option but to put on a brave face, some good make up, and get on with it all.
Finally, 2nd January arrived and we made our way back to the hospital for our next scan, which this time conclusively showed that our pregnancy was unviable, making a really sad start to the new year…
That was six years ago this December, and I still remember the experience like it was yesterday. And sadly that wouldn’t be our last brush with pregnancy loss either. It’s a pattern that has continued right up to this present year.
Tips for grieving at Christmas
If you find yourself in a similar situation this year, firstly I am so sorry. I know there are simply are no words that can make it all better or take the pain of loss away. But here’s a few bits of advice that I learned from that season about how to cope with grief over the festive season, which might be helpful in some way:
1. It’s okay not to be okay.
When everyone around you is feeling festive while you’re left grieving, it’s only natural to worry that you’re putting a bit of downer on other people’s celebrations. But the truth is that it’s okay not to be okay - even at Christmas.
What you're experiencing is not your fault - and you don’t need to fake false festive enthusiasm, or hide your heartache from loved ones. Instead, try to have some honest conversations with your family and friends about how you feel, what you think you can cope with, and how they can support you in ways which are sensitive to your grief.
2. Lower your expectations.
Christmas can be so full of expectations - both our own, and also those of family and friends. But remember that this isn’t a normal year and you shouldn't feel pressured to celebrate Christmas as usual if it doesn't feel right to.
When you’re grieving a loss, or left disappointed by infertility, it can be easy to end up feeling like you’re either too much (your emotions are too big), or not quite enough (not strong enough to cope). But be kind to yourself by lowering your expectations and giving yourself lots of grace - you are facing something really hard and are dealing with it as best you can.
3. Pace yourself.
December is month that’s usually pretty busy with festive activities - but grief is tiring and reduces our capacity, so be realistic about what you can manage this year. Don’t be afraid to take on fewer commitments and make sure that you pace yourself well, as you continue to process what you are going through.
And even if you think you’re okay, try to schedule in some quiet time as well - whether that’s going for a walk if you need to, setting aside a few minutes to yourself with a cup of tea, or spending some time writing in a journal. Take it at your own pace day by day.
4. Permission to say ‘no’.
Another difficult thing about December is that it’s just full of parties and social events - but it’s totally understandable if you’re not feeling in the party mood. Don’t feel obliged to attend anything that feels like it may be too much for you to cope with. You have permission to opt in or opt out of festive activities as you need to this year.
And even if that means pulling out of something last minute because you’re having a bad day, don't worry too much about disappointing family or letting down friends right now. The people who love you will completely understand if you need some time out…
5. Permission to be selfish.
Often Christmas involves juggling the needs of lots of different family, friends and loved ones, but it might be right to step away from some of the usual traditions and rituals when you’re grieving. It’s very easy to feel guilt over a sense of letting other people down, but your first priority should be looking after you right now - you need to give yourself time to heal both physically and emotionally.
So be kind to yourself, practice lots of self compassion and self care. Try to let go of all the ‘should’s and ‘ought to’s that you can tend to feel at this time of year - and be honest with yourself about what you really want and need.
6. Create new traditions.
You might also want to do something to mark and remember your loss at this time of the year - especially as it’s a season that’s so centred around family and love. And even if other people around don’t fully understand or think it seems a bit morbid, know that remembering is a healthy part of processing and coming to terms with your loss.
So whether that's hanging a little baby memory or ornament on the tree, laying out an extra stocking over the fire place, lighting a candle for a loved one, making a charitable donation in your baby’s memory, or something else - if you have a desire to create that memory, then do it. You may even want to turn it into an annual tradition.
7. Avoid the triggering parts.
One of the particularly difficult parts of experiencing pregnancy loss or infertility at Christmas is that birth is such a central theme in the Christmas story. Not only did the virgin Mary miraculously give birth to the son to God, but her older cousin Elizabeth was gifted a child too, who became John the Baptist, even though she was beyond child-bearing years.
But the problem is that when you’ve either just lost a pregnancy, and/or have desperately cried out to God for a child for many years, continual reminders of miracle babies gifted by God in Christmas carols and school nativities, on Christmas cards, or in church services can all feel pretty triggering.
But here’s the thing you need to know: You’re not a ‘bad’ person if you want to avoid the real Christmas story this year because it makes you feel too angry or sad or confused. If you don’t want to attend any Christmas services, or hear any carols, or countdown advent or hear the Christmas story, that’s okay. There’ll be other years when the nativity brings you comfort again, but it’s okay if you’d rather sit it out this year…
8. It’s okay to be okay too.
As much as it’s okay to not be okay over Christmas, you should remember that the reverse is therefore also true. The grieving process is rarely linear, and it’s perfectly normal to have both good days and bad days along the way.
So as much as it’s okay to take step back from the season if you’re at risk of feeling overwhelmed, if you are finding that you are having fun or simply enjoying distractions of the season - then go with it. Don’t believe the lie that you ‘should’ be feeling sad all the time. Grief is far more complex and nuanced than that. And the last thing you need to feel is guilty about feeling okay!