Connection vs Community

I’ve been thinking a lot about the concepts of connection & community recently.

They’re terms that are often used interchangeably in our digital culture, and especially in the world of marketing where I work - but they are really not the same thing.

Connection is about creating contacts, introductions and links, whereas community is about creating spaces of belonging that enable relational depth to grow.

Connections aren’t a bad thing. Sometimes forming new connections with people can become the starting point for deeper relationships to grow.

In fact, at times, making even the most tenuous of connections with others can foster real friendships, and become a catalyst from which whole networks and new communities can grow - but not always.

The vast majority of the connections we make remain shallow. How many mums do I pass each day on the school run, and smile at in mutual recognition but never actually stop to talk to? How many of my neighbours do I comfortably chat small talk with on my driveway, but never manage to invite into my home? And how many faces do I see at church on a sunday morning and only ever offer a passing cursory ‘hello’ to?

This isn’t a value judgement. We all have superficial connections in our life - and there’s nothing wrong with that. No one has the time or relational bandwidth to become genuine friends with everyone they meet. And it’s generally better to be friendly with those on the periphery of your life than to be frosty or abrupt…

But perhaps we’ve shifted a bit too far in this direction? Do we have an tendency to over-focus on connection over community, within our current cultural context?

And when we overfocus on breadth of connection over the depth of community, is this how we allow a sense of loneliness to grow? I wonder…

Why are we lonely?

There’s really no disputing that we have a growing problem with loneliness in society. In fact, more than half of Brits report regularly feeling lonely or alone in almost every survey that’s been undertaken on this subject. And as many as 3 in 5 of Americans claim to feel lonely in recent surveys and polls too.

I find it a sad reflection on our culture that although we are the most technologically connected generation that has ever existed, we are also the most relationally isolated…

And I find myself wondering, how can that be?Have we settled for chasing mere connections, whilst forfeiting genuine community? Are we prioritising breadth of reach, over depth of relationship? Have we learned to favour entertainment over engagement with others? And do we choose being known about, rather than really being known?

Has having friends over for a home-cooked meal been replaced with Instagram shots of our dinner plates and perfectly styled rooms?

Has the joy of watching our children playing out with other kids in the neighbourhood been replaced by headsets & Xbox live?

Has the fun of making plans to go out with friends at night been replaced by Netflix binges and extra side hustles we run alongside jobs we don’t like?

And has the kindness of regularly checking in on our friends and family been replaced with Facebook likes?

I ask these questions not as some kind of guilt trip, because I recognise these tendencies in myself too.

But I think it’s important to understand the reasons why so many of us feel this nagging sense of disconnection, loneliness, and need for a deeper place of belonging and community that we do…

Connection isn’t a bad thing in itself, it’s just that it’s a really terrible substitute for deep and meaningful relationships. Tools of connection were never meant to replace the core of our relationships, but grow and enhance them.

So what can we do?

Of course, it’s no good just recognising these social challenges - or even trying to justify the reasons for them.

The truth is that are many different cultural factors that could have contributed to this shift. Changes in technology. Changes in higher education. Changes in work set ups. Changes in family dynamics. Changes in the economy. Changes in our priorities. And so much more…

But the really important question to ask is this: What can we do about it?

I don’t pretend to have all the answers around this, or to be any kid of expert on building community. I am very much still learning on the job!

But I do think there’s some simple principles and ideas that can help us to begin to move forwards.

1. Prioritise people

Remember that prioritising people is not just a good idea, it’s actually God’s idea. In fact, the Bible makes it clear right from Genesis 2 that we are all relational beings, made in the image of a relational God and that as humans we are made to thrive best together. So determine to prioritise people above all else, even when your tired, or it feels too hard.

2. Start where you are

When you look at all the relationships in your life, it’s easy to focus on what you don’t have and on what feels lacking. But how about starting with where you are right now, and beginning with what you’ve got? Seek out a regular group in your neighbourhood, community, work place or church. Enroll in a class, or take up a new hobby. Pursue your interests, and go wherever people gather.

3. Take some risks

Initiate some coffee dates with acquaintances, or suggest some play dates with new families if you have kids. Sometimes this might mean moving yourself out of your comfort zone. And at times that might feel risky, but do it anyway. Remember - you have far more to gain than to lose, so open up your heart and your home to others.

4. Be hospitable

Being hospitable is a great way to grow connections into a community. Invite people over into your home for a meal, a cuppa or a play date if you have kids. Open up your house and your family life. And remember - it doesn’t need to be perfectly instagramable either. It just needs to be real. People won’t remember the laundry hanging over the radiators or the kids toys strewn across the floor - they’ll remember the fact that you made space for them and welcomed them into your home.

5. Take the pressure off

Have fun with this. And take the pressure off yourself - accept that not every connection you make will grow and flourish, and that’s okay. Making new friends can be a little bit like dating! So if people sometimes say ‘no’ or let you down, just move on. It’s probably not about you. And don’t worry too much if you don’t immediately click with everyone either… just persevere until you find your people.

6. Persevere

Accept that it may take a bit of perseverance, to move beyond connection to genuine community - but keep at it! Even if it feels like you are giving a lot more than you are gaining to begin with, don’t get discouraged. You will reap the rewards in time.

7. Pray about it

Finally, remember that this is God’s idea for how to thrive in your life too - and you are not just being ‘needy’. Whatever your current life stage, whether you’re single or married or in a family unit, the truth is that God promises to place the lonely in a family (Psalm 68:6). So ask God to help you find your ‘crew’ and to show you who those people really are. And then once you have, keep asking him to strengthen those relationships too.

So there you go - now it’s time to go and (re)build your community, and not just your connections…

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