10 things I wish I’d been told about miscarriage
About my first miscarriage
When I experienced my first miscarriage over Christmas 2017, it came as a huge surprise and I found myself wholly under-prepared. I’ve since learned that about 1 in 4 pregnancies don’t carry to full term and end in an early miscarriage which is a really shocking figure.
And I know that miscarriage is a very personal and sensitive subject, which people sometimes prefer to keep to themselves.
But I also just can’t get away from the feeling that if I’d already known some of the stuff I’ve learned now, then perhaps the whole ordeal might have been a little less stressful. And that’s why I’m choosing to write about the subject so regularly here in this space…
10 things I wish I’d been told about miscarriage before it happened to me:
Miscarriage isn’t always a very sudden or instant thing
I know this is how it usually comes across in TV shows and the movies, but this is the very same Hollywood that makes it seem like you can have a baby in ten minutes too! But the truth is that sometimes the body moves slowly…
My first miscarriage unfolded naturally, and very gradually, dragging on for a whole, entire month… which is pretty emotionally draining. But sometimes a D&C procedure just isn’t a safe or recommended option. And even if physically speaking, your miscarriage is over quite quickly, you should still be prepared for the emotional recovery to take a little bit longer.
2. Early miscarriage loss is just as valid as any other
It can be easy for those who have never experienced an early miscarriage before to think that it isn’t that big a deal; after all it’s really just the body’s natural way of dealing with a pregnancy that isn’t healthy.
But the truth is that any type of miscarriage is a still a loss, and not being pregnant for very long doesn’t make the disappointment any less real. Because chances are that as soon as you saw those little lines on a pregnancy test, everything changed in an instant.
I have lost pregnancies at 6-7 weeks, at 8.5 weeks and at 11 weeks too, and none of them felt ‘more’ or ‘less’ painful just based on the time I had known I was pregnant for. The bottom line for most women is that regardless of how short a time you’ve actually known that you’re pregnant for, there’s still a very real sense of disappointment over dreams already mentally made, and sadness over the loss of a life that might have been.
3. It’s okay not to be okay for a while
It’s so tempting to try to be a hero, to want to look like you’re holding it all together, and to act like nothing has happened after a miscarriage. Especially if you have other children to continue to care for. But the truth is that it has. And just because not many people knew about your pregnancy news yet, doesn’t alter that fact.
I absolutely get that feeling of just wanting to draw a line with a bad experience, to move on from what had happened, and to have another baby as quickly as possible. But the truth is that suppressing your negative feelings is not a quick route to emotional healing. And you will almost certainly need to give yourself some time to process what has happened, and to grieve that sense of loss.
So be prepared to slow the pace of life down a bit, give yourself permission to free up the calendar a little, and to cancel unnecessary commitments. Take some time off work (your employer should support this) or out of your regular routine, and allow yourself some space to begin to physically and emotionally heal.
4. Like any grief, processing a miscarriage can happen in phases
Shock, numbness, disbelief, anger, disappointment, sadness, and just bucket loads of tears … And this list isn’t exhaustive, or written in any particular order, since there’s no one ‘right way’ to process your loss.
But my advice is to be extra kind to yourself for a while and practice lots of good self care; make sure you eat well, exercise, sleep enough, get plenty of fresh air, treat yourself lots, listen to what your body and emotions are trying to tell you, and spend time with the people you love.
5. Talking to other women who have been there can help
I know it’s not something you always feel like right away, but once you’re ready, try to share what’s happened with some close friends and family. Because I really don’t think we were created to deal with loss in isolation; it’s just too heavy a load to lift on your own. And personally, I found talking to other women in my life who had been through something similar one of the most healing things of all.
It’s amazing to hear others say, ‘Me too. I’ve been there too. It’s hard, it’s unfair and life really sucks right now, but it won’t be this way forever.’ Suddenly you’re not so alone with all your questions and worries. So if you don’t have those women around you, in your immediate circle, why not look online for a blog, support group or counsellor to talk to instead?
6. Be prepared that grief can come in waves
Grief is a process, but it’s definitely not a linear one with a clear start and finish point. So even when you think that you are over your loss, sometimes unexpected moments knock you sideways again…
Things like small, unintended comments from a work colleague about when you are having another child, or a friend’s unexpected 12 week healthy scan photo suddenly appearing on facebook. The truth is that all kinds of unexpected things can come up from nowhere, which press on your pain again and leave you in floods of tears – even months and months later. So just be prepared that it will be like this for a while, but trust me, the sting will lessen over time.
7. Remember that your partner is hurting too
Another aspect of miscarriage that I really wasn’t prepared for was the extra emotional stress and pressure that it can place on your relationship. You may find that you have some very different feelings, reactions, and ways of processing your loss to your partner, but it’s good to talk about it together as a couple as well.
For example, I am an external processor who likes to talk out loud about everything as it happens, but my husband is much more of a quiet reflector who didn’t want to hear my minute by minute updates. But it didn’t mean that he wasn’t hurting or didn’t care. Learning to talk about how it felt with each other, closed the gap for misunderstandings, and made us feel better equipped to support one another.
In fact, I don’t think I’m being too dramatic when I say that how you handle something like this, can literally make or break your relationship. So don’t shut each other out, or struggle on alone; it’s always good to talk. And just because it’s a well worn phrase, doesn’t make it any less true.
8. It’s important to find a way to process your emotions
Whether it’s talking to a counsellor, or regularly journaling about how you feel, or something else entirely, it can really help to find a specific tool or outlet for exploring your emotions and regularly expressing how you feel.
I don’t fully understand it, but there’s just something about writing those thoughts down on paper, or speaking them out loud, which just helps with the processing. It’s actually the reason why I first began blogging about the issue.
9. Be prepared for your recovery to take some time
Most medical professionals will tell you that there’s no reason why you can’t go on to get pregnant again as soon as you feel ready after a miscarriage. But in reality, many women I have spoken to about their experiences say that it’s actually taken about 3-6 months for their bodies to fully heal and for their fertility to return to normal.
So don’t feel overly-pressurised to rush right back into having another baby very quickly, as your body may well not be ready, and even if it is, your heart may not be. What’s more, that dynamic of trying to get pregnant again quickly but failing to, can just add on another layer of emotional stress.
10. It can help to talk to a professional
I'm not generally an anxious person, but miscarriage can be such an anxiety-inducing experience. There are just so many unanswerable questions that you have to live with afterwards, and it can open up so many unknowns about the future too. What caused the miscarriage? And could it happen again?
Part of the problem is that your fear can no longer be rationalized away when you've already experienced a loss. So how do you navigate all of the stress, anxiety, depression, and other forms of poor mental health that miscarriage can cause?
Well in my experience, talking to a professional counsellor or therapist can really help! Sometimes sessions can even be offered after a loss on the NHS for free, but even if they aren’t I’d advise you to seek it out - either alone, or as a couple. Why muddle your way through grief alone, when there are trained experts who can help?