Dreading Mother’s Day?

I know Mother’s Day can be a wonderful celebration for all those hard working moms out there, but it can also be a really hard day for many people too.

For those who have lost mothers…

For those who have absent or broken relationships with their mothers..

For those who have lost babies or children…

And for those facing infertility or childlessness too.

A both/and

Since recurrent miscarriage became a part of my story four and a half years ago, I too have had a very mixed relationship with this celebration of all things motherhood.

Being a mother is both one of my life’s greatest blessing, but losing three babies since having him has also been one of my deepest sources of pain.

So now I’m left wondering how to handle the both/and that co-exists for me (and so many others) in this calendar day?

For me, it feels both good and right to celebrate motherhood with my own birth son, but it also necessary and feels right to create time to remember those much longed for children that I got to carry for a short time, but never got to hold here on earth.

What’s more, because of my own experiences these past years I find myself feeling far more mindful of all those women who might feel overlooked, unseen, or left behind by this date.

Can we reframe Mothers Day?

So this year, I am left considering how can we reframe things a little bit.

I mean, isn’t it possible to celebrate all those wonderful mother figures in our own lives, and remember to hold space for those who find this day hard as well? And are there some simple ways we could do this in our celebrations, church services, homes, and lives?

And most of all, can we all remember that there is more than one way to be a mother to someone in this world too?

I know that I’ve been personally blessed to have had so many different spiritual mothers in my life over the years, each of whom have helped shaped me in different ways, as well as, and alongside of, my own birth mother.

Older friends, grandparents, aunts, mothers of my friends, youth leaders, school teachers, mentors in the work place, and spiritual leaders - to name just a few.

And I am truly grateful for them all.

5 ideas for Mother’s Day

This list is far from exhaustive, but here’s 5 simple ideas for how to create a more kind, sensitive, and inclusive Mother’s Day experience for us all:

 1. Give yourself grace

Firstly, if you are personally struggling with Mother’s Day for any reason this year, make sure you give yourself plenty of grace for how you are feeling. Know that it’s okay to be okay, or not to be okay; to mark or not mark the occasion; and to lean into or to avoid any celebration with family and friends.

Try to be really honest with those around you about how you are feeling over this impending date. If you are feeling anxious or worried about how well you will be able to cope, to those around you, and let them know exactly what you need. You are not being difficult - this really is a hard day!

Extra note to supporters:

If you are aware that someone else in your family or social circle might find this day hard for any reason, whether that’s due to infertility, loss or something else, then do everything you can to show them love and extend extra grace and permission to be exactly where they are. Let them opt in or out as they feel able, without pressure or judgement.

2. Leave space for grief

It’s so easy to feel the pressure to be ‘over’ your grief after a certain amount of time has passed following a loss of a parent or child or loved one, but the truth is that grief is not a linear process and healing is much more incremental than this.

So be mindful that days like this can sometimes re-trigger or heighten our sense of loss or anger or disappointment, sometimes even years after ‘the event’. Know that it’s okay take time to cry, to journal, to be alone with your thoughts, or to talk about your loss with others. Whatever you need, make space for your grief. Don’t be tempted to bottle it all up or just put on a brave face.

Extra note to supporters:

Don’t ever assume that someone is ‘over it’, even if a lot of time has passed on, or they seem like they’re fine most of the time. And don’t ever suggest that they should be either. Try to be sensitive to the fact that dates like this can still be incredibly triggering - even many years on. Things like miscarriage or infertility don’t ever really go away; the sting will certainly lessen with time, but they are experiences with consequences that can remain for a whole lifetime.

3. Consider small gifts & gestures

Consider any family members or friends who might find Mother’s Day difficult because of childlessness, infertility, loss of a parent/partner, miscarriage, singleness, a recent divorce, or something else.

How can you bless them on this difficult date? And is there any way you could include them in your own Mother’s Day celebration in some way?

For example, could you invite them into your own family gathering? Or if they tell you that might be too difficult for them, perhaps get your kids to send them a card or gift, recognising that they have also helped to mother your kids in some way?

Or if you know a couple going through loss or infertility, why not gift them with flowers, a care bundle, or an undated restaurant voucher to remind them that you haven’t forgotten them & are standing with them in their struggles?

I bet everyone has someone in their life who is facing at least one of these things - so this really is something that everyone can do!

4. Be mindful & inclusive

Another way that we can all help to make Mother’s Day less difficult for those who are struggling is simply by being more mindful of this in our conversations, our comments, and our social media posts around this date.

For example, instead of just posting pictures of your kids on Facebook or Instagram and declaring to the world how wonderful it is being their mum #Blessed, why not try a less obvious and more inclusive tact?

How about posting a message honouring all the women who have helped ‘mother’ your kids, or all those women who have been a mother to you in your own life in some way over the years?

Or if you are involved in a church community, why not ask for the Mother’s Day service to pay respect to all women in the church rather than just those who are birth mothers, recognising that every woman in the congregation will be a spiritual mother to others in some way?

5. Recognise ‘mothers’ in your life

Finally, why not plan to intentionally honour all those women who have played any kind of important mothering role in your life this year?

Who has loved you well, and invested in you? Why not re-claim this difficult calendar date as an opportunity to send them each a gift card or thank you note honouring them for their input in your life over the years, and reminding them of how much you value them?

This could include a biological mother, a mother-in-law, a step-mother, adoptive mother, or foster parent, but it could include some less obvious options too, such as older friends, teachers, mentors, coaches, and spiritual leaders too.

Join the conversation…

Those just a few pointers and ideas from me to help get you started in thinking more widely about how we choose to honour all of the important women in our lives on this day - both those who find Mother’s Day difficult, and those who find it a joy.

So, will you join me? And do you have any other ideas too?

Together, I believe we can really begin to move the needle for women who might be left feeling a bit marginalised, misunderstood, forgotten, or left behind on this ‘both/and’ calendar date…

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