One For The Men
Men can be overlooked
This one is for all the boyfriends, husbands, dads, and dads-to-be, in the infertility and pregnancy loss community…
Miscarriage in particular, tends to be treated as a predominantly female problem. In my experience, all of the medical treatment, support and after-care tends to focus around the woman, and I think this can easily leave their other halves feeling a little bit forgotten or overlooked.
But as anyone who has ever walked this path will know, the truth is that the men folk aren’t just onlookers, third party observers or uninvolved bystanders, waiting by on the side lines for their women; they are right there in the trenches, bravely supporting, and fighting alongside us.
And even though most of the hard stuff may not actually be happening to their bodies, it’s still their pregnancies, their emotions, their marriages, their families, their mental health, and their future dreams lying in the balance too…
This might seem like an obvious thing to say, but I’m going to risk stating it anyway: When a couple have lost a baby, and/or have been struggling to conceive for a long time, men need support from friends and family too. Every bit as much as women. And maybe even more… since men do have the propensity to bottle things up and to talk about their feelings far less.
Thankfully, when we shared our latest baby loss news a few weeks ago, my husband received lots of kind texts and gestures as well as me.
But he wasn’t offered a medical note or signed off work and told him not to come back into the office until he was sure he really felt ready. And none of the nurses in the hospital ever asked how he was feeling either, because he wasn’t actually the patient in the bed…
But the fact that he was dealing with all the same feelings surrounding all of the hoping and waiting and disappointment and loss and grief, shouldn’t be lost.
I honestly can’t imagine how hard that would be watching your partner suffering physical procedures, and feeling pretty powerless to do anything about it. And all the while, feeling that extra pressure to be strong and appear together, like men are ‘supposed’ to be.
It’s far too easy for the male perspective to be overlooked when everything about pregnancy and miscarriage just naturally centres around the woman.
And since poor mental health and suicide continues to be the single biggest killer of men under 45 in the UK, I think men’s mental health in all of this is worth taking a bit more seriously…
10 ways to support the guys
So I decided to list a few of my personal suggestions for simple ways that friends and family can help support men, in the aftermath of miscarriage, infant loss or ongoing fertility struggles…
1. Text, call or message
Just regularly send a little message to let him know you’re thinking of him and are always available if he wants to talk.
2. Offer to take him out for a beer
You don’t even need to talk about what’s going on specifically. He may not want to talk about it, and often just offering male company is enough, but also be available to listen if he does.
3. Take him to the cinema
Why not suggest going to watch a ‘boy’ movie (translation: action/marvel superheroes) that their wife won’t want to see? You don’t have to talk at all, but it might help take their mind off things. Trust me, this is actually doing both partners a favour!
4. Buy him a little ‘man’ gift
In my experience, there are normally endless gifts of flowers and chocolates and little hampers for the women, but nothing specially designed for him. How about a six pack of beer, some bbq steaks, a funny book, some Amazon vouchers, or whatever his jam may be… ?! A gift doesn’t need to be expensive, it just needs to say that you care.
5. Offer to babysit (if they have other children)
This is such a simple thing, but a huge blessing too, as just means that the couple can get out and have some space and time together to relax and talk, without all the distractions of being at home with kids.
6. Offer to bring over a pre-prepared meal…
Or if you don’t cook, just grab a takeaway and take it round. Returning to work straight after a loss can be hard on a guy, and it just helps to lift off one extra responsibility, especially in those very early days.
7. Offer to go round and help them with that DIY thing
Not only will that help the whole family out practically, but also men often find it easier to bond and talk over doing physical things.
8. Buy him a voucher to support some self-care
This could be for a massage treatment or a male grooming session, a book or music voucher, or even just dragging him out with you for a run or to the gym.
9. lnvite him to do something fun with a group of friends
Whether that’s watching the football, going to a gig, or visiting a climbing wall, getting him out to do ordinary, fun stuff with friends will help him feel more himself. And doing it as a group also takes the pressure off too…
10. Encourage him to talk to a professional
Men tend to struggle to talk openly about their problems as much as women. So if you sense that he’s struggling, why not encourage him to see a counsellor or therapist. You could even research into it, or recommend someone that you already know to make it as easy as possible.
So there’s my starter for ten… but if you have any other thoughts or ideas for how to support the man folk well, I’d be really keen to know.
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