Everything is on Pause
When plans are ‘on pause’
It feels like everything is cancelled, or at least ‘on pause’ right now, pending lockdown being over.
Birthdays, holidays, summer plans, business plans, family visits, social events, church, school, exams; all cancelled or on pause until further notice. And even though most things can be deferred and re-planned again in the future, it still feels disappointing.
But what about those things that can’t be put off until later? What about those things that can’t be rescheduled again for next year?
By far the biggest disappointment in this season has been having to put our family planning ‘on hold’ again.
Unfortunately, we hit the six months mark in trying to conceive again after our last miscarriage, just as were heading into lockdown. That’s the exact point at which women of my age are offered fertility support in the UK.
My consultant told us that she wanted to prescribe us with a fertility drug called Clomid, but unfortunately we can’t access it until the lockdown is over and hospital outpatient appointments are back up and running as normal, since they would need to monitor me.
“Just call us as soon as the service reopens, and I’ll prescribe it for you” she said. No big deal. But alas, 4 weeks of lockdown quickly grew into 12 weeks of lockdown, and now 12 weeks has been extended again… indefinitely…
And so now all we can do is wait, and hope that by the time life gets back to normal it isn’t too late.
Waiting indefinitely
I hate that this season of infertility and loss has become such a long and drawn out part of our story. And I hate how endless the waiting has become…
Sometimes it feels like our waiting is endless.
Waiting for pregnancy…
Waiting for recovery after miscarriage…
Waiting for appointments…
Waiting for tests, results, advice, and new drugs or treatments to try…
Then waiting for a pregnancy again…
As anyone who has ever faced any type of infertility will tell you, the waiting can just drag on for years and years.
And now, of course, because of the coronavirus pandemic we also face extra waiting on top of our waiting.
Waiting to see when services will re-open.
Waiting to see if we are still able to get pregnant, once we can access treatment again.
And waiting to see if the drugs I was prescribed after our last miscarriage will make any difference to any future pregnancy outcome.
There’s lots of things that are difficult about recurrent miscarriage, but I think it’s the waiting that gets us down the most. It’s that sense of not being able to move forwards with something, but not being able to move on from it or leave it behind just yet either.
And after three years in this limbo, 2020 was meant to be the year that would finally bring about a conclusion for us; either we would get pregnant again or not, and either the treatment would help or not. But either way, we would have a conclusion and finally be able to move on with our lives.
Or so we thought at the beginning of this year. But now, instead everything is ‘on pause’.
This is so far from where we want to be right now and yet we can’t do ANYTHING to change our situation at all.
And so we continue to wait.
More than a pause?
The hardest thing about waiting is the inconclusiveness of it; it’s not a full stop or final ending. It’s just a rest, or a temporary break.
But isn’t that also the good thing about it too? A pause in a sentence allows the reader to catch their breath before they carry on with what comes next. Sometimes people even talk about a ‘pregnant pause’, meaning a long pause in speech that indicates significance, meaning and the anticipation that there’s still more waiting to unfold…
“What if ‘on pause’ is exactly where we’re all supposed to be right now?”
What if ‘on pause’ is exactly where we’re all supposed to be right now? And maybe it’s exactly where you are meant to be right now too?
I know that not everything about this year has been good. Some of it has been really hard. But what if 2020, the year in which it feels like the world has been turned upside down, is exactly the moment of pause, the time for reflection, and the shake up that we all need?
Could this even be some kind of spiritual interruption, or a ‘kairos’ moment?
In ancient greek, the word ‘kairos’ literally means the right, critical or pre-appointed moment in time. It’s a kind of holy invitation to pause intentionally, with a focus on realigning ourselves or making a change.
If so, then what?
Could this really be a kairos moment, where God is calling us take a holy pause or trying to get our attention? And if so, then how are we to respond as people of faith?
In Mark 1:15, Jesus spoke of just such a moment, as he was starting out his public ministry, saying: ‘‘The kingdom of God is at hand; repent and believe’.
Repentance sounds like a pretty old-fashioned, religious word I think, but it really just means to change the way you think or see something. And it’s pretty easy to see how this principle might be applied to our lives today…
“Maybe this season of pause is a chance for all of us to change the way we think.”
Maybe this season of pause is a chance for all of us to change the way we think about some things; about our environment, about racial division, about our economic systems, and nation states.
Maybe it’s time to recognise that we’re all far more closely inter-connected in this world than we thought. What affects some of us, eventually affects all of us. So maybe this moment is a call to start healing some of those divides.
But maybe it’s also an invitation for each of us as individuals too, right here in the middle of the waiting and frustration and disappointment of this season. And maybe it starts with asking God what he wants to reveal to us through this interruption.
Because although this year had been a huge shock for most of us, I am absolutely convinced that it is not a surprise to God. And as much as I have complained about my own plans being paused again, maybe this is exactly the season of preparation and realignment that I need right now.
How about you?
Sometimes a pause can be a chance to stop and take stock of where you currently are, as well as a chance to get as ready as you possibly can be for whatever is going to come next.
For me, that next could be a healthy pregnancy… or not. But either way, this moment of pause lends me the chance to make sure that I am in the best possible place mentally, physically and emotionally before we continue onto the next phase of our fertility journey.
What about you? What might God be trying to bring to your attention in this moment of pause? What might He be wanting to say or to show you?
If you already know the answer to that, then the next question is ‘How do you need to respond? What do you need to change? Where might you need to realign your thinking?
But if you don’t, then just start right here…
Start with asking ‘What is this pause all about?’
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